NapOwrimo Day 5: Mind

The mind.
My mind and I have come such a long way. We have sincerely improved my life greatly since 5 years ago. I can take a walk and enjoy the simple beauty of the trees. I can make a list of things I’m grateful for silently to myself and my mood will be regulated all day.
In some ways though, I miss some aspects of it.
The mind that would be able to stay up until 3am remembering poems or writing a song.
The mental stamina I once had- the capacity of my processes.
These days,my mind needs ample rest to coast easy. It needs silence at times & sometimes it needs a lot of stimulation.
My mind has made me uncomfortable with where my body is at times- even when all is apparently at peace.
My mind will find discomfort or insist on this pattern of finding discomfort.
It effects my ability to be OK with things being OK.
Of course there is the obvious idea.
none of this is my fault. My sudden urge to go or travel or roam or leave a job or a place or a partner or feel like I’m missing out on life and have a crisis.
My extensive professional

resume is evidence that my mind can’t seem to sit still.
I’ve been learning why. Where it came from. My genes. PTSD. The way my parents cared for me or the lack of care.
My environment growing up and how it’s made my mind still think it’s unsafe at times.
Even when there is no sign of danger- my mind will pick up on cues or details that suddenly make me

feel fear or an urge to move.
Still- I’ve been learning to self soothe in those moments. To check in with my mind and say

“is this really happening or are you simply triggered”

such a cliché word these days I know but I sincerely never understood my triggers until recently.
These things are vital for me to understand why and when I feel a certain thing- where does it stem from?

Still,this system of mental regulation has been a life long journey for me. It commences with writing and how it’s been therapy for my mind since maybe age 9.

as we are now,working through my mind’s thoughts and my fingers are allowing.

It’s 10:35 pm, Pacific time. I’m scrolling through therapists in my network to see who can keep me regulated. I know that it will also take me,my discipline to my improvement and the small things that seem to work for me.

like a walk in the sun

moments at the ocean a few months apart

an occasional toke of really good marijuana

exercise is vital for me!

As well as the foods I eat.

When I fall off the wheels it isn’t very obvious.
i don’t have loud episodes or outBursts.
It’s more subtle. I may gain a few pounds over time. Delete my Instagram. You’ll never see me yell or throw things.
But I will isolate more. Speak less. Pull away from Those that love me.

My mind and me are also forming a bond with one another to be dependent on one another when things or people leave,as reality has it.

My mind is also such a magician.
I have these expansive moments where I am

visualizing myself driving a certain road or having a certain position and I’ve been able to manifest my thoughts in a way that would make every metaphysical master jealous.

My mind has become my basis and nucleus of all of my creation in life. A vital tool for all that I live in the physical

world. I’ve learned when to keep

it away from

certain news or media or people who will taint it’s optimism.
I’ve protected it from

harm but also know when it needs to be exposed to new information. It’s quite a beautiful conversation to know your mind and it’s needs so well.

Even as I write this,as I improvise,I am astounded by just how quickly my mind is creating the words to write down. Quickly and effortlessly.
Grateful for my ability and my mind’s journey towards optimal health.
My mind is also a magician- just yesterday I had visualized myself in a writer’s room for perhaps a tv network where I can really weave my stories into films or shows and tonight a friend sends me a text about the Writer’s Guild Foundation and an upcoming program- with that exact resource for that potential experience.

Our minds have a way of creating even through other’s involvement in that process and it was fascinating to see how quickly I manifested that.

Telekinesis?
To each one of my brain cells. I adore you. Let’s heal. Let’s create. Let’s be ok with being ok. Let’s know that we are expansive and can do so much.