From fear,to films
Yesterday was my first paid acting gig. Even after years of living in NYC, it took many years, elsewhere, to be able to say that.
Why did it take me to move, to actually make such a move within myself?
I sometimes wonder why that didn’t happen sooner for me. How many opportunities I had back home, and yet not putting myself out there THEN, as I am doing now. In the epicenter of it all, and yet, I didn’t give it my all.
The truth is, that simply, I was not ready and the universe felt it.
When we are not ready, it does not matter if you get the chance to act with Angelina Jolie, it won’t be the right time.
Maybe it was because this year, i finally decided to accept myself as I am, and not wait until i was “Perfect” to be on camera.
I sprung out of bed at 6:30 am, grabbed coffee from my favorite spot for some energy and drove my Jeep Renegade past choppy winds and rain about an hour away, up to the Hills of Oakland. I had only received the script the night before, and spent the entire drive listening to an audio recording of my girlfriend reciting the lines, while I got my jeans on and prepped to go. I met with a director and actress I had never met before. Fueled off of innate trust and determination to connect with others and help tell stories. After greeting, rehearsing our lines in the parking lot in a big black Escalade and acquainting ourselves with one another, we decided to head to the location and shoot. Take after take, I found myself jumping in and out of the driver’s seat and out into the rain. It felt especially special to know that the Director was traveling from Los Angeles and the actress, was traveling from Arizona. Here we are, all from somewhere else, meeting in this epicenter at this particular time, to create magic. Partial scenes were filmed in the vehicle, and others outdoors, while the scene escalates in intensity. The exhilaration that stems from being in the moment to moment, to create a final result, is delightful. For perhaps the longest time, I hadn’t felt as present in my skin and self. The character resembled me quite greatly in fact. A person in the depths of my mind, that existed, and that I was revisiting. A person struggling with anxiety, depression and how to communicate that and coexist with their lover. Driving, and also memorizing your lines, is a multitasking feat I hadn’t really prepared for, but did amazingly well with. I realized that as an Actor you are asking yourself to have several levels of operation on point. You have to get into the zone, but not deeply enough to lose navigation on the road. It asks a certain level of awareness. You have to be your character, while also remembering your driving skills. Not just your tone, or speech, but sense of direction, body language and functionality.
Also, the art of connecting with a total stranger, and finding that safe space where you both can, hold the other, or graze each other respectfully. What is too close? What is too intense? Should I Soften my voice during this moment? What enables vulnerability? What signifies surrender or strength? I found myself being mindful of Aaliah’s personal space and asking permission to hold her wrist, or grab her arm during heated scenes. The trust that was given by her, and the reassurance, was something I feel so much gratitude for. I noticed my face during certain words. The relaxation or resurfacing of past scenarios forming on my eyebrows. Remembering moments of altercation with previous lovers or arguments with my current lover, and how it manifested into the scene. Take after take, Aaliah, seemed more comfortable in my presence and more willing to try new forms of expression.
The Director, got more comfortable asking for more from us, as we were willing to extend ourselves further. We dialogued about if that worked, or if we should repeat it. It became an alliance, a dance of 3 people forming a story. Each take, a different level, or tone, or enhanced emotion added to the words.
Our socks were wet, and with mud on her boots, the Director trekked on. Take after take, until she got the footage she had envisioned in her thoughts before arriving.
When the Director states “I am happy with it.” You feel a sense of completion, because you just helped another person, also fulfill their own dreams.
Needless to say, it’s something I wish I would have been bold enough to try sooner, but am so ready to fully confront now.
I had always said “I will wait until I am in shape or “perfect” to get in a film.” Sadly, I had been so afraid to be in front of the camera, because Hollywood or media has made us always feel that you have to look a certain way to be in certain projects.
I also felt the notion that if I was not in a major city like New York or Los Angeles, that I wouldn’t “make it.”
Sincerely, I am finding the magic in things finding you, and not the other way around. I think if you seek, it will come, and sometimes in the most unexpected of places, like the hills of Oakland.
While some of that may be true, and there is some elitism in which projects people like me, will get chosen for. The truth is, I don’t want to be in projects that will ask that of me, now.
I want to be in projects and films that can appreciate the fact that my hair was so puffy from all of the Oakland rain, and that maybe looking disheveled and not perfectly put together, is what makes the film and story more real. I want to be in more projects where my thick thighs and New York big tee punk rock dominican american swag are appreciated.
If my character is depressed, chances are she didn’t have a perfect appearance today. I let myself be what it was. I let myself be the character. And while I was not at all depressed yesterday, nature allowed for our clothing to resemble imperfection. Just like true humans. Whether it was large scale, or smaller scale, like a student film from Los Angeles, it was a huge step for me, as a person replenishing their self esteem, and an actor.
I have been manifesting that film in my mind for a while. While it was just a 3 minute short film, the universe made it quite easy for me when the opportunity presented itself. I had spent months on the Backstage app looking for roles. I spent months looking for something that would take 3 minutes to film. That is life. You may be looking for something huge, but that huge event, might be 3 minutes. What is even more amusing is that the specifics of the film, were exactly what I imagined. “I want to be in a Queer based film, with a character that resembles me. Essentially, be myself, on screen.” I knew and felt that the industry lacked characters and stories centered around alternative lifestyles. Of people, with similar backgrounds and emotions towards women, like me.
While it hasn’t been my first time acting, I don’t recall a moment I was ever compensated for my efforts to be someone I am not. Spoken Word Performance, however, can sometimes make you feel as if you are acting. Even if I have lived a certain experience, there can be moments when I am so disconnected from a certain time or emotion from years ago, that I am asked to revisit that place for the sake of sharing a story through word. Acting, however, is a bit more intentional. You are being asked to internalize and memorize a dialogue that is not your own, and take the challenge of embodying that emotion for the time needed.
My first memory as an Actress was for the role of Persephone, in middle school. My teacher, Ms. Teamey thought it would be humorous to have Greek Mythology Characters singing songs off of the movie Grease. A play on words, with two words that are completely different but sound the same. Pretty interesting synopsis. I remember being quite silent in the play. My character, was simply the wife of Hades. Hades, being the God of the Underworld. I stood pristine, meek and silently powerful. It was me, at the time. I wasn’t yet bold, but developing my personality as a teen. I had a quiet power in me, that was slowly starting to build. Persephone, was indeed how I felt at the time. I was living in the depths of a certain kind of hell. Trapped by circumstances of my environment, and waiting for the summer of my life, to release me. My only liberation in the play, was when we all sang in unison, the major title soundtrack to the movie. I remember feeling joy, and thinking that gathering as a team to create a story, was beautiful. Even though I felt alone, within my character, on stage and in reality, I was part of a production. Part of a whole.
My second major memory as an actress, required me to play 7 Characters. Whoa. It was intense. I remember crying, feeling exhausted, and having to take emotions to many different places in just 1 hour. It was for a grueling emotionally based play by a local Harlem director, Alicia Anabel Santos. The characters consisted of an Indigenous woman, a rapper, a child who was being sexually abused, a prostitute and the other character identities are now escaping me. I had to be soft and rapping Lauryn Hill lyrics in one scene, then in makeup and heels in the next, followed by being a terrified child clutching her blanket and crying in the next. It demanded much of me emotionally and when I look back, I actually am remembering that if I can do that, I can do anything. There was a bit of friction at the time, upon realizing I wouldn’t get monetarily paid for the work I put in as an actor but as I write this, i have come to see, that perhaps what I earned from that experience was the strength to know that I am strong enough to take myself there and visit all of those places in my psyche in order to create and develop an experience that hopefully impacts others. I remember friends approaching me after the play to tell me, that they “felt it.” and essentially that is the richness of it, getting others to feel. That’s the thrill of all of it. Getting others to remember that they feel and that it’s ok.
It reminded me of Mary, my great Aunt, who passed about a year ago. She was my acting coach. I remembered her yesterday and thanked her for her guidance. But also acknowledged myself for listening to her teachings. I remembered why i stopped acting. I guess i felt there wasn’t a place for me. I blocked out my dreams. Roles weren’t coming. Jobs were taking my life. Money was bigger than my desires. I was more focused on paying bills,not acting. I remember Mary having me stand in the middle of her studio on 12th st in Greenwich Village NYC and really making me feel like, I had it. Like it was in my lineage. Like my Greek ancestors and theater genetics from decades before me were wanting me to continue on. Maybe, fame or not, this is part of my life’s calling.
On the ride home I started to listen to the teachings of Lao Tzu and the Tao.
One quote that really resonated with me was quite simple.
“Be still like a mountain, and flow like a great river.” It made me think that sometimes, we just so happen to be at the right place at the right time. If we confidently know what we want, things will come our way, and we can be ready to flow in it’s direction and with it. If we are ready,our dreams will find us. Simply because I am not in a city like Los Angeles, doesn’t mean an opportunity won’t find it’s way to me if I have been preparing and ready for it.
Things are happening in zip code 95814 that never happened in 10469.
It speaks of the philosophy of flow, and how to passively navigate life and our dreams. Maybe things do come easier, the less we press for them. For all of the rejections I have received in both acting auditions, and relationships, I believe it is with ease, that we must coast forward. There is space for all of us, and maybe what that looks like, will be different then what we imagined. It might be smaller, but more valuable in lesson. It might be a small film, that defeats a large fear, that will help you go farther the next time a larger opportunity comes. But what is larger? Larger is in our perception of what is valuable. Maybe flow is, saying yes and going when it feels right, and less overthinking the details of what that might mean. Leaving behind the specifics of the how,and allowing the moment to create itself. I am happy to say, that the passion is ignited again. I am ready.
