NapOwrimo: Day 9: Uterus
You came early.
you weren’t supposed to be here til mid April.
what a surprise.
the blood never ceases to amaze me as it trickles down the shower drain.
deep and dark red hues.
it’s like an unexpected guest that lives 3 hours away and showed up for dinner and you feel bad for sending them away so you let them
stay over.
I’m talking about my period.
or being “on the rag”
or menstruation.
right now it feels like my uterus just went to the gym and did leg day for 5 hours.
it’s twisting and turning and making my body find new ways to lay on this already uncomfortable couch with each ache.
but the pain- everytime - reminds me that I am mortal. That I am
alive.
I think about the women who pray for their period.
The friends who waited anxiously for it each week.
the time I thought I was pregnant after a one night stand with a stranger during a bout of depressive dissassociation and couldn’t thank God loud enough when I saw that red ink on my Calvins.
Even at my age, it’s like I’m 14 again
it’s like the first time
everytime my period comes.
I never get used to it.
but these days- I’ve learned to see it as a blessing rather than an inconvenience.
sure I have to think about how I sleep
or if it may stream down my leg and onto my new sheets or wake up 2 times a night to make sure it’s on correctly. The pad that is.
even when she surprises me on birthdays or Valentine’s Day or that time I went to Cancun with my family and had to borrow a tampon from my 12 year old niece to get in the pool.
sure it’s upsetting at times but then I think-
of it as a detox.
a purge. A cleanse.
my Gratitude about my Uterus comes from a health scare in 2007.
I was at the gym,doing a normal routine of exercises and felt a sudden sharp pain in my abdomen. Excruciating.
Upon emergency arrival to the Hospital and a Segway of X-Rays,Doctors return to tell me they found a 7 inch cyst on my Ovary.
7 inches!
I tried to imagine what that looked like and it was as large as I had imagined in imagery.
Doctors are concerned for my age. They wonder how it got there and why.
I can never forget my primary Surgeon was a very empathetic Asian woman in her 40’s. She looked into me,not just AT. Tenderly, she explained that we must remove this cyst because it could become Cancerous or might even already be.
Most of all, she warned me that if it indeed was cancerous,and they saw no other option,they might need to remove everything.
Everything meaning the essence that tied me to my womanhood.
My Uterus,my ovaries,
Fallopian tubes, all of it.
I had never had children but I never felt so maternal in my life in that moment.
I felt as if my children were taken from me. The ones I was yet to have.
I mourned and grieved silently each night praying for a seamless surgery.
I imagined the long haired boys I wanted to birth. Riding down the highway with Arjune,my first born,on the way to Sedona,Arizona sometime in 2023.
I imagined missing out on teaching my sons how to be kind, tender and respect women.
I couldn’t imagine losing the one thing I complained every month about.
My womb.
My Uterus. The most sacred organ that not only brought me to this earth via my mother,but had been responsible for nearly everything known to man.
creation itself.
The surgery went well. I was spared.
I still have the tiny incisions on my abdomen as souvenir. My Uterus and organs in tact. And my connection to my feminine energy even more potent.
In the years leading- I thought more about my Uterus as a sacred relationship. I thought more about who I quite literally let into my body.
I thought more about the foods I would eat that would cause more growth, or more toxicity or alter anything in my body that would defect this precious organ. I thought more about who I shared my sex with. I thought more about how I could protect and also create a loving space for my Uterus so she wouldn’t have to experience trauma again.
I thought about the women in my family who bore this burden and why it was repetitive.
Years later, and with more exposure and connection to friends with wisdom, I learned about womb healing. Our connection to our bodies and how they can sometimes- if not always,be effected by our relationships within sex or partnerships,rape or abuse. Traumas that go on generationally within our womb. Traumas passed down from our mothers and grandmothers and the pain that took place in the womb. Whether through abusive lovers or how our sacred womb carries the energy of everyone we allow in.
I wondered if that cyst, had come from a long lineage of women who suffered before me.
These days I have a partner who sees my womb as more than an organ but a mirror. Who makes teas specifically with herbs to improve it’s health. Who sees my Uterus as a goddess already born. An extension of creation. My value for me, has mirrored my value for other women in this life.
these days I don’t get too upset when my period surprises me. I’m happy it happens and accept it’s process.
I’ve had doctors push birth control pills on me to stop the flow- but something tells me the nature of my body needs to flow. I allow my body to flow as it should- even at the sake of a monthly bit of pain. It’s the least I can do for my ancestors.
it means she is detoxing and doing her natural cycle. It means my Uterus is healthy and thriving. She’s the circle of life in motion, in my abdomen. She’s Yemaya in a microcosm.
Even if I never birth children,to have the magic and ability to do so, is a gift.
I grow. I flow. I am a divine creator. I protect my womb from unclean energies or entities and guard her with my love.
I carry my Uterus with honor and respect.
I am grateful.