NapOwrimo Day 10: Breasts

I didn’t want to write today.
It’s a Sunday. I’m on my period and I am

the ultimate procrastinator in these moments.

My breasts are sensitive and sore.
I’m rested on the couch,sitting,with my arms propped against my Breasts to hold up my cellphone.

I remember having body issues. Big ones. Or maybe I was trying to find my identity. But I wanted to be a boy. A man.
I would look at GQ magazines and shop only in Men’s sections at H&M or Forever 21 to replicate the designs in designer magazines.

I was 23 and discovering my masculinity in society. As a woman,I didn’t quite fit in.

My eating disorders would escalate & when I was thin, I felt feminine. But when I gained weight,I felt more masculine. Like my body was either at war in armor or a damsel in distress.

I had gone to several lesbian bars and the questions were always “Are you Femme or Butch?” My clothes were complex. As women would try to identify their position in my life as a potential partner and looking to my body for answers. It never was Non-Binary or the free flowing idea of gender like now. We have evolved much.
I remember thinking that my breasts were too large for the box people were trying to fit me in.
I couldn’t possible wear lavender sweaters and collar shirts with these Double D’s protruding and still look like the men in GQ.
Secretly and behind closed doors,I admired them. Loved how they looked as necklaces adorned them. Loved the curves of my collarbones and that line that formed between my breasts.
That forbidden cleavage I would careful edit out of photographs if it ever showed itself.

My breasts more and more became an inconvenience to me. My blazers would become larger and larger to hide my supple breasts & never could I freely take off my shirt during sex.
My big brown nipples and that beautiful birthmark would only be my secret.
I was trying to fit a description and sooner or later I would either have to bind or altogether make them disappear.

I wondered if I would wear large clothes forever or if I would get them

surgically removed.
I admired the free people running around in the summer with no concern for the bounce in their run. With no concern for the weight on their chest.

I needed an image to better identify with how I was feeling inside. The mirror and me,just didn’t connect.

Something happened. I’m not sure when it happened or when I stopped hating my breasts but one day I stopped thinking about them.

It might have been my divorce. And while I was married, cutting my hair very short like a boy and my partner at the time agreeing that it suited me. Mostly, it suited what she needed me

to be,so she could accept herself. I learned that throughout that whole marriage I played the role of the man. Not just in the way that I was asked to work so that she could pursue her singing career, but in the way I found myself change in the relationship more and more to suit her ideal of what a masculine & feminine relationship should be.

That divorce broke the roles within me to perform any gender. I realized I was a being that needed comfort and security just like anyone. I wanted and needed to feel like a gentle woman.
As many parts of me weren’t being loved as I came,I started to be assertive about wanting all parts of me to be loved. And that came with me learning to love all of me, breasts included.

My breasts are often iGnored but for me,have become the most erroneous zone of my body. It’s my most vulnerable part. It’s the part I show to someone I most trust. It’s what I share with a partner who doesn’t see me as a gender role but as a whole being.

I see my breasts as this beautiful anatomy that came with my journey and I’ve learned to stare at them in the mirror with joy.
I no longer cover them up as much.

I prefer baggy clothes for comfort but I don’t fret if I took my clothes out of the dryer and a tee shirt just so happened to shrink. I’ll walk out the house with my breasts obviously in sight. No cleavage but- I’m all here.
I know my journey with my breasts is so much what happens to trans youth or adults who want to go through transition.

While I think I would prefer a smaller size,to live more comfortably,my transition is more about transitioning into my self acceptance and becoming a genderless and flowing being. I honor my divine body and all parts of my identity. My masculine and feminine energies as one.
I love my beautiful brown double D breasts tucked in a Man’s Yves Saint Laurent Blazer.